


Animal

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of imageries, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-06 22:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12827136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is basically just a vent work, it's rated M because of the hints of suicidal thoughts and self harm





	Animal

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a vent work of mine !   
> Please don't think so much about it ! 
> 
> I wrote this because I felt 'sad' and I read 'No Longer Human' by Dazai Osamu, and somehow relates to it so much.

            I never really think of myself as a human. I merely am a tool, born to this world to be used by anyone, and anything. I’m just a pet. What else can I be? I go to school, study, do my works, do exams, get my report card, get scolded, get praised, like a dog. My heart always feels empty, I don’t know what I really like, nor what I really hate. I just live my life doing whatever it is I was told to. I’ve been mocked, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been happy. But what does the word ‘happy’ even means? I don’t know. I think of ‘happiness’ is where I didn’t get to be scolded, when I wasn’t being mocked at. People ask this question often “Are you happy now?” I don’t know what to answer, but if ‘happy’ is the antonym of ‘sad’, then I guess I can say I’m always happy whenever someone asks me.

            I keep wondering if only I can disappear from this world. That thought visits me all the time, even when I’m ‘happy’. Sure, I’d be sad if someone I love disappears, but would someone even be sad if I were to disappear? I’m just a lowly animal, if I were to disappear, everyone would forget me eventually, and continue on living their own life, nothing would change even if I disappear. I’m not a president, I’m not a peace keeper, I’m not a doctor, I’m just a kid, a failure, an animal. Nothing would change, no war would start, no war would stop, the world will keep rotating, and time goes on. Sometimes, I would look at myself in the mirror and think, ‘What’s that ugly dog is doing in this world?’, I knew it very well I’m looking at my own reflection, but what I’m truly looking at was the reflection of my nasty wretched self.

            It feels uncomfortable to see someone being sad, even if it is myself. I keep scolding myself for being sad, I punish myself for being sad. I can use anything, I started with a blunt piece of wood, it felt good, I lost all feelings of ‘sad’, instead it got replaced by ‘hatred’. This feeling called ‘hatred’ gets worse everyday. It started out pointing towards people, but slowly it grows stronger and stronger, until I realize it’s not the people who I should be hating, it’s my own self. With this ‘hatred’ I punish myself even more and more everyday. I no longer use a blunt object, it hurts even more, but it was relieving. I can see more and more scars appears, until the moment I can no longer hide it. People who found it out blamed it on my parents, they didn’t even do anything, it was all me, it should’ve been me to blame. I learned how to use ‘lies’ since I was a kid, I got better everyday to use it. I use it to cover my scars, in the shape of smile, or in the shape of words. I laughed at everything and everyone, but I actually was laughing at myself, my weak and useless self.

            When I see my friends sad, I used one of my ‘lies’ to make them happy. I learned how to be a clown, to make everyone else smile and laugh. I may not be a good clown, but at least I got to make some people smile. I didn’t even thought about my own feeling. I don’t care if it wrecks my own mind, as long as I can make people happy, I’m not sad.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't feel sorry for me, I'm used to it, but if in any case you have some uncomfort in your life, feel free to chat with me on my twitter, it's ColdbrewCat !


End file.
